Pest Control

I'm not good at getting rid of unwanted pests. Just ask the ant colonies in every room of our house. But at least I can spray those. There is no spray to keep pests from walking up to one's door and expecting one to answer their knock or ring.

Usually I just don't answer, no matter how obvious it is that we're home. If they look like they are potential scoundrels looking for places to rob, I'll yell through the door that we don't open our door to strangers. Then I watch them leave through the peephole, poised to press the alarm keypad's 'panic' button if they don't.

Needless to say, this seriously interrupts whatever I was trying to do... such as finish today's blog. So here I am brainstorming how to get rid of these unwanted pests.

A science-y solution would be fun. Would I want a force-field barrier around our property line that prevents all life-forms from crossing? You bet I would! The trouble with this idea, besides it not existing, is that something would inevitably stop working. The 'off' switch would be the worst. We couldn't even get our mail.

Oboy, no bills! Plus, the bank couldn't get in to evict us when we didn't pay the mortgage. Then again, the plumber couldn't get in to fix a broken toilet. And which cat would we eat first when we ran out of groceries? I guess we should rule out the force field.

Maybe I could channel my inner Wile E Coyote, and order a catapult from Acme. Think of the fun. It might look like a porch, but the spring-loaded mechanism flings unwanted visitors away. What wouldn't be fun is a prison term for flinging a Jehova's witness into the hedge.("Twenty to life? But there weren't even thorns!")

A mean-looking dog might be off-putting, but I'd still be interrupted mid-blog because Fido wanted walksies. Once outside with Fido, there's no door between me and all those salesmen, door-to-door fundraisers, real estate salespeople, and campaigning politicians, only a wagging dog. Bad idea.

There's clearly only one thing to do. I have to train these ants. It's perfect. People like the mail carrier or the UPS guy will be there and gone before the little rascals can swarm. Only the ones that stand there ringing and knocking will be targeted.

Now all I have to do is find an online course in ant training. I wonder if Acme offers one...?