H "Gee!" TV

I confess. I'm an HGTV junkee. For those who have escaped my addiction, I'll explain. HGTV is a cable TV channel that features people who change living spaces. On HGTV, people shop for new homes, make their own homes different, or flip houses.

Programs show people attempting everything from light cosmetic redecorating to total reconstruction to global relocation. Every day I'm glued to the channel to tour the cool houses, daydream about moving to an exotic new place, enjoy the decorators' stunning 'reveals,' or even pick up useful remodeling & DIY tips.

You wouldn't know I was a fan of the network if you saw our place. An HGTV host would get sick all over our unfashionable carpet. We even have glass bricks. They may be out of style, but they give us great privacy, they let light in and disguise the lack of view. If the 70's call and want their bricks back, I will reply that 2030 called and advised me to hold onto them.

They'd want me to ditch my outmoded wall-sized mirror in the bathroom. No way. It's easy to clean. It shows me if toothpaste dripped onto my shirt hem so I know to change before I leave the house. Those dinky, stylish mirrors barely show you if your chin is clean.

It would be fun to be on their popular shows, just to be mischievous. I dream of confounding "The Property Brothers" when I demand 'closed concept' in my fixer-upper. ("We're bad housekeepers, so let's not have the mess visible from anywhere in the house, thank you very much. 'Cat containment' is an issue too. More walls and doors please.")

The fun would continue as we put our house on "Love it or List it." and none of the things on our list are what Hilary thinks we should change. ("We'd like this 2-story ceiling lowered so our HVAC bills go down. If there's money left, could you convert our kitchen to a computer room and close it off? It's not like we cook or entertain. Thanks!")

Styles come and go. This year is all about granite countertops, hardwood floors, and bold colors. Being older and wiser, I'm dubious. This year's hot color is next year's 'last year.' I'll stick with my beige, gray, and white. Granite needs to be 'sealed.' Hardwood is superior to carpet for cleaning up cat messes (if you find them in time) but hard on old knees, and unforgiving if you fall.

The shows can be fake on many levels, ranging from 'duh' obvious (people don't have to choose one of the first 3 houses they view) to 'hmmm' suspicious (a college kid with a budget of $800,000?) to 'subtle.' (Everybody on this reality show prefers things that the sponsor happens to be selling.)

But I love this world where helpful contractors speak perfect English. Where you fast-forward through the remodeling to see the finished product. Where contractors think nothing of tearing down walls. Where people gut the whole bathroom because the countertop is ugly. It's a fairy tale, and they all live happily ever after in their beautiful palace!

So don't call to sell me windows and flooring. I won't answer. I'm busy watching HGTV.