Now that Ebola is the latest scare, I wonder what the insurance companies will do about it? I suspect they are rolling out their tiered coverage plans:
Premium Deluxe CEO Plan - 20 doctors in designer hazmat suits will care for you. You'll be whisked to a pristine private room in a sterilized 'stretch-Humvee.' We offer premium cable, or we can bring in famous authors to personally read their latest bestseller. Chef Ramsey will prepare your IV using fresh local medications of the highest quality.
Your loved ones will be quarantined in a 5-star facility with an 'ocean view' suite of rooms. Full room service is available 24/7. Attractive young nurses will take temperatures twice daily. Of course full cable and high-speed internet are provided in every room, including the bathroom. First-run movies are available on demand.
Platinum Executive Plan - Sterile ambulance takes you to a pristine private room in a top-notch facility. 20 well-trained medical staff in upgraded hazmat suits will care for a maximum of 10 patients in the facility. Premium cable, 24-hour monitoring.
Your loved ones will be quarantined in at least a 3-star facility in a 2-room suite with a mountain view. Premium cable and high-speed internet are included. Skilled nurses will take everybody's temperature twice daily. 24-hour room service, alcohol not included.
Deluxe Executive Plan - Steam-cleaned ambulance takes you to private hospital room in an Ebola care facility. A well-trained staff in regulation hazmat gear will care for you. A nurse will be on call 24/7.
Your loved ones will be quarantined in a deluxe 2-star room. Trained medical staff will take temperatures daily. Room service from 6 to 9, 11:30 to 1:00, and 5 to 10. Cable and high-speed internet are included for their use.
Junior Executive Plan - You provide your own transportation to a designated Ebola facility. A clean, semi-private room will be provided. Designer plastic sheets will divide the room, protecting you and your roommate from cross-contamination.
Your family will be quarantined in the comfort of their own home. They will each receive a regulation thermometer, and an access code to the National Ebola Monitoring Facility, where they can input their temperature daily and access a qualified nurse to answer questions.
Basic-Plus Plan - Our fast-pass ticket puts you ahead of everybody else in the queue for a shared hospital room. Your quarantined-at-home loved ones will get 15% vouchers for delivery food, which will be left at the door by a delivery boy in a hazmat suit.
Basic Coverage - We mail you a thermometer, a map to the emergency room nearest you, and a floor-length plastic poncho and surgical mask to wear when you get to there. If a room is available you will get it.
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