Tough Toenails

One of the many indignities of getting older is toenails. They just keep getting weirder and weirder. I thought it was just me, but enough others have complained that I know I'm not alone.

Back when I was nimble enough to deal with them, they behaved like normal toenails,
growing and needing to be clipped. The only question was whether to polish them or ignore them. I mostly went with ignore.

But now? Now that I'm not so nimble, the dratted things are getting their revenge for all those years of neglect.

The big toe toenails are curving into the skin. It's like they 've decided to grow through the toes to the soles of my feet. It they make it, maybe I'll give up shoes. Toenails are tougher than most shoe soles these days. They'll never wear out, they'll just grow back stronger. It's a thought...

A few of the middle toes still look almost normal, so naturally those were the toes I stubbed the other night. They slammed into the door hard enough that they bled. (That sleepy middle-of-the-night jaunt to the restroom is another indignity of aging.) Now the 'normal' toenails are purplish-black. I'm tempted to buy black nail polish and act Goth.

The nails on the little piggy toes are thicker than they are long. The other toes don't want to be outdone. I've got one growing at a crazy sideways angle, thick as a tree trunk. I have the biggest clippers available, and soon those won't get the job done. What next? A nail-file-sized chain saw? A mini-sanding belt from the hardware store?

I'm wondering if podiatrists have invented a liquid steroid specifically for toenails. I can just see them sneaking into malls every night with their water cannons, blasting away at all the sensible shoes through those little pull-down grates. "As soon as an old lady tries that pair on, it's 'Toenails Gone Wild.' Cha-ching!"

Looks like my barefoot days are over. No more open-toed shoes for me! Every time I open the closet door I imagine my sandals and flip-flops make rude snickering noises. In contrast, when I open the sock drawer I think they whimper and scurry to the back of the drawer. Toenails on steroids are a sock's worst nightmare.